Always there for you

Okay, I need to say something about this, and it’ll be a long one, because I need to rant about something with all the stuff going on lately.

I have more then one best friend. I couldn’t just have one. If you made me choose, I know whose name I would spit out first. But there are more then just that one. Friends that I would do anything for, who would do anything for me, and have been a major support source for me through all the hard months I’ve been having lately. My best friend in the city, is a guy, a first for me, since I have been incredibly shy around the opposite sex in the past. So it was a little bit hard at first last year, ending up getting as close to someone as I am with my, well, for the purpose of this, we’ll say True Best Friend (TBF, kk?). But we are very close and I like having someone around that I can talk to about anything and everything, and get hugs and cuddles from when I’m sad. TBF knows everything too, but I never get to see them, so

The problem though, is that he’s very depressed. Because of a girl. Now, I have not been told the whole story, but I pieced a lot together on my own, and I have slowly learned more, including a lot last night. And it’s really sad, and it upsets me a lot, because I can’t believe a person behaving like this. How much they can hurt another person and feel no remorse. She broke his heart, tore it up and made him look like the bad guy. Yes, I am biased, but if you’re unhappy in your relationship, you tell your FIANCE, not your stupid friends. Because then of course it looks bad on them. It’s not fair. I really don’t like her, which may not be fair itself since I only know one side, but that seems to be enough, when I’m trying to make sure all the broken pieces stay together and don’t shatter further. It’s not easy to put someone back together (which isn’t my worry, he needs to get better on his own, but help never hurts).

So last night he should me The Royal Tenenbaums. Really good movie, and I’m glad I saw it finally. But we’re talking before sleeping afterwards, and he’s telling me how he’s really angry at that moment and I say to tell me about what. He hates talking about Her because it makes him really angry and upset. He swore at a DVD the other day because it had been a gift from Her. [ :/ ] But we’re talking about it, so maybe some things can be aired out and not holding him down in the depression. He tells me that because She hurt him so much, because she’d been so selfish, so horrid, that he’d wanted to kill himself. That committing suicide would be one way to essentially, get back at Her. This, made me angry. No, I said, that would be stupid. Doing something like that, just to get back at Her, She’s just winning. Even if you say that She’d have to twist into some person that seemed as if they were deeply hurt, when they might not be as hurt as you want, that’s not – there’s not satisfaction in that. No standing around in the After Life, going “Hahaha, Bitch! You see what I did there? Yeah, I killed myself cause you hurt me so much! Now who wins?!”

In my mind, She shouldn’t be the cause of all this. Why ruin your life, trying to “get back” at Her? You don’t deserve to spend this much time wasted on thinking of Her, of being sad over Her. SHE IS NOT WORTH THE TIME, NOR IS SHE WORTH DESTROYING YOURSELF. I started crying. Not sobbing, but just started quietly crying as he was telling me all this, that people don’t understand just how enraged you are, just how depressed you are. Because it didn’t happen to them, and only you know the pain. That that’s why people do committ suicide, because looking all around, there is no escape.

“But people who do it for stupid things like this, they realize, they realize as they do it, that they don’t actually want to kill themselves.” “Well, how come people try more then once?” “Because they are more screwed up, maybe mentally, maybe they’ve just suffered too long. But you can’t do that.”

He noticed I was crying, and asked why, as he always does. “I don’t like you talking like this.” He assured me that he wouldn’t do anything, but I kept crying into his shirt, harder and just trying to breathe and not start getting hysterical. He said he was sorry, and repeated “Stop crying” over and over and over. I’d cry over any of my friends if they started talking like that. And it’s only a fraction of how hard I’d cry if they’d actually done it. I’m crying right now, writing this, because I’ve been thinking about this all day and it’s still upsetting me. Eventually I managed to uncling from his side and sleep, my hand over his so I would know he was still there.

Please World, if I can just make one small request of you: Think about what you do, and the impact it will have on others. I can’t stand the idea that another person would hurt someone this much, to do this much damage, and then just go on about life as if that HUGE era never even happened. You’ve now not only hurt them, but me too. You never affect just one person, there will be an outside person hurting too. Because someone cares about them more then you ever did, and will never leave them.

New things

So, I’ve worked some things out with my jerk of a friend… clearly, as I just wrote another article the other day for YouRebelScum. We’re lazy though and it didn’t get posted til last night, but whatever. I really like it. I’m enjoying doing this writing a lot, better then fanfiction (god, I’ll never finish that last one…).

We’re just spending less time together, because I’m tired of being depressed and fucking insane around him. We were both at fault though, and it was just going now where. So the two weeks apart was a good thing, and we’ve hung out in small amounts 3 times this week. It’s a lot better then it was before. I’m also working on spending time with other people and not just one! It’s kind of adorable though, his roommate messaged me on Facebook saying he’d been hoping the two of us would patch things up and again that he’d miss having me hang around the apartment, but oh well, keep in touch and him, his girlfriend and I would have a get together soon. I was like, aww. You’re a sweetheart. I might be around on the weekend, we’ll see.

I’m still looking at Craigslist for apartments in the downtown area, or close to it, and I have a couple places with a rental group or two to call next week. Calling this week got me no where, cause people will be giving their 60 notice on march 1st, just like we will be. One resume got handed out this week, but then I was too busy to go back to the map with a stack of them. A lot of places there are hiring. If I wanted to, I could submit to the suffering of the dollar store again (same name, different location & owner).

I should take French classes at the uni when I get in (positive thinking!). I feel useless only speaking one language. It could be any other language and I would be chill with it, but noooo, unilingual is the way I go.

I don’t know what else to say. So yes, you should go read my article on MCR at yourebelscum.wordpress.com and let me know what you think! I’m going to try and think of another topic to write about in the next little while, but I’m not sure if it should be music again, or tv or what. Okay, nevermind, I have an idea, you’ll just have to wait and see what it is.

-C

Silly Sunday

I have been updating my facebook and getting help from my friends there, but since this blog is new to me, I keep sort of forgetting it, or thinking “I’ll do that later” and THEN forgetting. Things have been good the last couple of days though, I bought skates on Thursday, which I hear is a pretty social activity, so now just to get people to go. I only know 2 people who skate, and I’m not really talking to one of them. I just asked the really cute boy I met online a few months ago, didn’t talk to for two months, and then talked to him on Valentines and found out he wasn’t dating anyone. So woot. But he does not skate. CAN, but does not own a pair. It’s $50 for a deposit alone! You get that back, but jesus.

Anyways, the weather is supposed to warm up this week, so I don’t really see that happening anytime soon. Another update will follow.

Theme Song(s)

Posted to Facebook February 18th:

Sometimes things just need theme songs. A change of life should get one I think. Or a sound track. Some songs just fit the idea of things and remind me of what I’m doing. Anyways. Lady Killer by Kreesha Turner is mostly fitting to what happened with the Jerk (who I am clearly no longer referring to by name, at least not here). All American Rejects – Give You Hell works too, mostly cause it’s so catchy. I get it stuck in my head though, and change the lyrics. “I hope they treat you well” is not the same as “I hope they give you hell”. Devon gets points for singing/saying parts of a Blue October song to Graham at work tonight. That made me happy, I love them. I will listen to them tonight! (They relax me and get me so focused)

Obama is in Ottawa tomorrow (Thank you for the reminder Aunt Kathy!). I knew it was soon but you never think, ‘Oh, that’s tomorrow’. I don’t know if I will go see him. If I do, I’ll try to remember my camera. I’ll at least be “in the area” since it’s not that far from work and I was going to go early to take some books to the book market. We’ll see~.

I haven’t been to work since Thursday, since I took days off to go see Mom on the weekend. Actually, Emma sealed that deal, she was going home so I decided too. I’m glad we saw each other <3. Being at work tonight wasn’t so bad, because as I said, the people make it worth while. I talked to “Amanda” (that’s the fake name she uses, I never remember to ask the real one) about a whole bunch of things, hair, dresses, skirts, boots, french books and lessons, and etc. That was cool. Then Jason ended up having to move so he came and sat beside me and talked to everyone else too. He’s super nice, I love talking to him. It’s really funny and makes me laugh. We were making paper airplanes and said I wished I could remember how to do origami cranes. Someone asked about cootie catchers, so he was trying to make one of those for me. He needed a ruler, and our Supervisor Charles was walking by so he asked if he had one. When Charles learned for what, he said, “I’m not helping with that, that’s weird”. That was, totally the best (And yes, Jason did make his own ruler to produce a cootie catcher for me).

Today I:

-Applied to and submitted my application for school. That doesn’t help the credit card debt, but it’s done. Yay. Now, all we have to do is send good wishes along with it so I get in. *crosses fingers*
-Made a list of apartments that look good and questions to ask about them. (I’m getting worried about this not being as cost effective as I’m hoping )
-I couldn’t sleep at first last night with all of this swirling around, but one other thought I had was to make a post secret postcard. I know what will be on it. I think only Mom and Emma know the secret. It will help get rid of some of the ties to the Jerk I hope. (If you don’t know what this is: www.postsecret.blogspot.co

m)
-Tatiana makes me think I should re-read Alice in Wonderland and maybe Through the Looking Glass and try and figure out what exactly made me hate Alice as a child.
-I took my bags of clothes to the Thrift Store down the street and felt good getting rid of stuff I don’t need.
-I fixed Diane’s snow globe! I am glad I finally did this. I wasn’t too upset that the bird had come off the top, just so relieved the entire thing hadn’t broken. I don’t know what i would have done then
-I didn’t get to the Book Market today, because I had to watch Steven and Chris at two. Why? Because Mom had been to a taping of it last week, and it was playing today. And YES, I DID see mommy on the TV. It was cool. So that was worth it.

Not too much else happened, maybe just some small things. The top edge of my new book is getting ripped and torn because of the spiral binding on my notebook and being in my bag on the way to work today and there and whatever. Argh, I hate when that happens. Especially when it’s new.

Okay, I’m sore and tired, this is all I have for today. But I feel good about everything today, and I’m definitely noticing the mood change.

Life Overhaul

This was posted to my facebook notes on Feburary 17th. I want to keep track of it here too, just because I might send a blog link to a couple people not on my facebook.

Okay, so a few of you may have noticed that I am making changes in my life. A few of you are very well informed of this, and others not so much.
My life has been shit lately. I’ve been depressed, the bus strike made me feel helpless, alone and isolated. I wasn’t in control of my life for more then a month, and I was always asking others “What should I do?!”
I also had a lot of unneeded drama with someone I was thinking of as one of my best friends. So, after a hard day trying to deal with everything going wrong, hanging out with them never made it better. It made it worse. They’ve been a horrible friend for months now, and I’m tired of wasting my time with them, and being walked all over. I haven’t done anything to deserve this, other then being too nice for my own good – as I have always been. People have actually been wondering why I have been hanging out with this person. When I heard that, I was ashamed and upset. I had realized yes, that I needed to stop spending so much time with this person, but this just sealed it. People I hardly know are wondering what the hell I was thinking. There were good times, they didn’t last. I learned a lot, I grew up a lot, but enough is enough. I need a break.

The other changes (that I have an actual list of in my notebook to keep track of) are:

-Moving. I love our apartment and living with Diane has been the best. But I can’t afford it, and I can’t be this far from work, which is downtown, anymore. I want to walk to work, or at least bike ride. I will NOT be living with Diane anymore, which sucks. I think I’ll do it on my own, as I’m not comfortable with living with a complete stranger, and I think I’ll be happy on my own. If things change and I find someone to live with, okay. :]

-Job. I am keeping the one I currently have, because I have realized that the people there make it worth while, and they are very caring and understanding when I have issues like being unable to get there or being sick (a lot lately). I will look for a second one, and am considering taking a Smart Serve so I can work in a restaurant. James says that makes just as much as being a prostitute does :p Art galleries and museums will be applied to again as well, and I’ll work on finding French lessons. (ugh).

-School. Because most museum job ads I’ve seen ask for a degree as well as experience, I’ve decided to go to Ottawa U because their history classes sound AWESOME and make me excited to think about being in. I know someone in the course I can ask questions of. I will be applying to that this week as deadlines are apparently NOW (Crap!). I’ve always wanted to take classes like these and learn ALL the history stuff I’m into, from the Middle Ages to the Egyptians to European history, to oh my god, Imperial Russia. Hell yes.

There are other things I need to do as well, and small tasks to work on. People are slowly adding goals to my list too, which is helpful and why I’m going to be keeping track of my progress via Facebook. You guys can give me tips and ideas of things that I might not have thought of myself. And I’ll feel better knowing I have help and support. Also, it’s easier then calling Mommy and the best friends all the time to update them

-Pay off my credit card. It’s full and over flowing. Ew. I did some of that today, and more of it will be taken care of on Thursday when I get paid. Also try and save up as much as I can. Lots and lots of hours at the work place will eventually be worth it. There’s always someone to have a good conversation with anyways.

-Jess suggested I get back into Guiding. I do miss it a lot (it was a huge part of my life, geez), and especially the camping part. After I move, I will look into things in the Ottawa area. It’ll be hard to get into (shyness, lack of confidence), but some of the oldest and best people I know are Guiders :]

-CONFIDENCE. This one should actually be top of the list, but it’s always prominent anywhere on the list. Diane gave me a gift tonight to symbolize it, and I will one day have to use the gift and tell her about it. “This is your confidence”. I think I should hang it up somewhere to remind me.

-Health. I got a stomach bug just after christmas, and because everything was so stressful, the stomach aches stayed around to bother me. I have seen a doctor about this. There’s not much I can do. I hadn’t been eating much because of stress and emotional upset, so I’m working on eating healthy stuff. I lost nearly 15 pounds due to not eating because of being sick. It looks good, just not the best way of doing it. So, yoga and walking and other things are a better way to do things.

-BE HAPPY. I am, at the moment, quite. That could mostly be due to the msn conversations I’m having, but over all it was a good day. HEY, I DIDN’T CRY TODAY! Yay!

-Look better, feel better. A lot of effort is just going into how I look every day. It does make me feel better, so yay. Sometimes it feels wasted effort when you can’t get to work and end up in the dark movie theatre, but hell, I was telling myself all day that I looked amazing, so that was something at least. :]

What I’ve done to help myself today:

-Went to the bank and walked part of the way there to think things over (that’s happening a lot lately). Put monies onto the credit card.
-Sales were everywhere. Because I was frustrated YET AGAIN this morning by only owning one black long sleeved shirt, I found one for $4. Sweet. And my white tanks tops are looking shitty, so one white, one turquoise, $15. I love Suzy. (I KNOW MOM, I SHOULDN’T HAVE. FOUR DOLLARS!!)
-Looked for ice skates so I have something to do with Catherine this week. No luck in walmart, closest Play it Again Sports seems to be way way out in Kanata. Dang. I want to get better at skating.
-Mailed Hydro bill, got disposable camera into Walmart finally. Forgot to get super glue to fix Diane’s globe.
-Told the Jerk to let me know when he’s over the flu so that I can get the things I lent him back. I could have said that better, but he was being a bitch, and I don’t want to deal with a bitchy sick person that I’m already not happy with. If you don’t like my suggestion, just tell me why it won’t work and say thank you for thinking of it anyways. Geez. Not that difficult.
-Went through more of my clothes, Diane-insipred, and found more to get rid of as well as the few things I got rid of last week. Two large shopping bags full! Yay!
-Looked for and found some great CHEAP places on Craigslist. Awesome cause Kijiji was not being helpful. Need to make a list of people to call, questions to ask.
-Curled up with the book Jerk bought me last week (hey, I said not to, whatever, now I have a free book I only waited a year to own), tea and crackers. =]

Thoughts?

Life Sucks.

Thinking about life lately, it’s been absoultely insanity, and I’m not sure what to do about it anymore. Trying to fix one thing, while others fall apart does nothing.

At 21, I have a huge load of debt (student and my visa) and struggle every month to make rent, always asking my mother for help because it’s never enough, and bills are starting to get paid later, but always before the due date. I’ve thought about the changes I need to make to life in the last week. I know what university I want to go to in september, to get a degree to help the dipolma I’ll finally be getting in June. I want to move, as soon as possible, so I can save on rent and bus passes and bills (I won’t have a home phone, just internet, small steps). I’m going to work as much as I can at my job, even if I don’t have a day off but once a month. Survival is more important. I’m going to be looking for a second job, possibly not until moving, just so both are in the same relative area – or I find one at the mall.

Talking to my roommate tonight, she asked if I wanted to move home. I said no, but I do want to move apartments, so I think we’re going to be in agreement on this, which is what I was worried about. The bus strike was an exteremly stressful time, and I felt like I had no control over anything. I was also having problems with a friend at the time, which was added drama that helped nothing. I have cried more times since september, then I have since I was 16 and under. I was sick with a stomach bug a couple days before new years, and the entire week after that, and was hardly eating anything because it only made it worse. Then, the stomach aches stayed around because of stress, and I still wasn’t eating as much and was miserable more times then I care to count. I finally went to the doctor a week ago, and he said just getting more fibre might help with the stomach aches. I mean, what else are you supposed to do for them? I lost a ton of weight because of this, which is good and bad, but now has me imagining a skeletal self.

The first post mentioned I was working on articles for the blog, You Rebel Scum. What it was, was a friend wanting to create a webzine, and needing my help. Well, I did mock layouts for it, and it was half decided upon, just needed polishing and better colours. I’ve decided though, that I will not be putting any more effort into that anymore. Not only am I mad at the creator, I don’t know if I even want to keep the friendship. I decided to keep it two weeks ago, but it’s still too stressful. I can’t handle it, I can’t handle the drama and more, and I certainly don’t need this on top of everything else. I just need to get over him and maybe things will be better without crappy friendships. Even though it’s been one of the best friendships ever. It’s all just very painful at the moment.

Welcome to the Pond

I don’t know what this will be yet, possibly just a place to hold some thoughts and maybe some writing. I’ll add a little more about me later, but my main reason for being here is this:

http://yourebelscum.wordpress.com/

Yes, my friend started a blog yesterday. Wrote 3 articles in one day, and today got me to contribute a book review. I’ve no idea why. But I’d like it if you gave it a read, and left a comment there. We’re trying something new, we’re inspiring ourselves and hopefully making the future a little broader.

Anyways, I’m off to figure this place out.