Feeling sorry for myself, so I’ll just whine about it here, cuz it’s too late to call anyone and I have to be up early for class

I don’t like feeling sad. I like being my happy awesome self, which came back with the help of happi pills, a fantastically great doctor and my mommy. So when I do get sad now, it’s like oh. This feeling again. I thought I was done with this.

Granted, I’m not depressed at the moment, just sad and feeling sorry for myself. That is an improvement over the past.

There is a boy I like. He liked me for far longer (I knew he did) before I realized, oh hey, yeah I like you too. We have had troubles meeting up since I moved back to the city. He was working a lot. He had barely texted me over the summer too, so I was used to it by September. Did I like it? Of course not, are you insane? We finally got to see each other for about 2 hours 2 Fridays ago. I went over to hang out after my classes and before he had to leave for home for the weekend jobs. I learned also that he only worked on the weekend now. What I forgot to tell him was that I had last week off for our fall reading week. So I sent him a text about it Monday. And some other texts to see what was up. Except now, a week and a half later, he hasn’t said a word to me.

That makes me really sad, because here I am, finally liking a guy after a million years of being “rawr, I want no one, I am tired of the creepasaurus rexes!”. And when I saw him again after more then a year since the last time? Realized I liked him more then I thought I did. Just great. Why why why won’t he text me back? Send me a email? A facebook msg? Is he dead? Why has no one heard about it and told my roommate, a mutual friend of ours, at whose party I met said guy?

Or maybe… that’s not it. I just don’t know what it is. But I would like to know something – and that’s the truth. Whatever was the cause for this non-communication, I’d like to know it. I don’t want lies, or sugar coating, or just beating around the bushes. I don’t want to pressure him for an answer (I haven’t asked for one yet). I just want the plain old truth. I can only hope that’s what I’ll get.

I am pretty sure tomorrow I will be pulling out my copy of “He’s Just Not That Into You”, that I stole from my mom. It always tells me what’s what.

Oh, another thing: My roommate held her annual Halloween party on Saturday, and SEVERAL of her friends said that I looked at them in a scary, creepy way, as if I was going to kill them. WTF! That kinda hurts, actually, when normally I would brush it off. I wasn’t drinking either, I was/am on two meds that say “don’t take with alcohol” so I decided to listen. So I guess I was just more weird then I normally am, and one thought I was talking to her in an accusing way.

A weird thing also: One of the girls there who I made friends with recently, her ex whom she had had a restraining order on was also there, and she was fine with it. Apparently HE thought **I** was her, until he finally realized I wasn’t, but that must have been how everything went okay. She’s married now anyway. We look nothing alike, and she wasn’t wearing her mask much either cause of her glasses. Apparently they dated years ago, but that’s still weird.

So… I feel sorry for myself because people thought I was creepy and scary and not just cause of my zombie make up, and the boy I like won’t talk to me after we hung out. Which is SUSPICIOUSLY just like when I met a guy online, we talked, we met, and then he never spoke to me again. After him, I declared my boy break.

Guess I shouldn’t have ended that for this guy, huh?

Tags: Angry Bunny, Anxiety, Good on the inside, I love my mommy, Sad, Stress, Whisky Tango Foxtrot

The Best Bad Day Ever

Yesterday was a bad day.

I almost got run over on the walk to the bus stop. An old guy in his huge SUV not looking. The problem being that right where I live, this part of the road is under construction. So when I have the walk signal, their only option is to turn. That was kinda scary, because I thought I actually might be hit. Plus, I have Greek classes, and since it’s learning another language, I can’t miss classes.

“If I get hit by a car, is that a good reason to miss class?” O_O

Then I had my 3 hour break in between classes, and had to make a phone call to get my drugs later, so I found a quiet space outside to do it. After, I don’t know what I was doing, when a seagull crapped on my shirt. Not on my shoulder, no. It was near my hip. On my really nice cute shirt, one of my faves. So that was fun. And I wasn’t amused when my mom told me it was supposed to be good luck.

Since I have a cold, which is just a cough and a runny nose (awesome, btw), I went to get a Chai latte before the next class. I don’t drink coffee (remember, we talked about this in my post about friends and coffee). Somehow my Chai latte got coffee in it! I was super disgusted, what a foul taste! They made me a new one, a delish one.

What a horrible, awful day right? My life is SO hard.

And then on the way home after my super long day, I realized… this was a pretty great bad day.

When you consider the fact that a year and a half ago, a bad day was me sobbing into the phone to my mom because I was so upset from fighting with my best friend/roommate, hated myself, was missing classes and was so lonely all the time. The anxiety and worries  and stress were killing me. I still feel upset thinking about those days.

And I still miss that best friend. The best of the best. We were amazing together. My friend is going through a bad breakup, and months later is still sad about it. The picture she posted on facebook yesterday made me so sad and upset.

I wish I still knew him. I wish so much that I did, that we could just have one normal conversation again.

Well, this is not how I was going to end it. So, if those are the kinds of bad days I’m having now, I think that’s a lot better, I think I can handle bad days like that.

I’m so glad I found my happiness again. And I intend to hold onto it.

Tags: Best Friends, Change, Coffee or Tea, Facebook, Good on the inside, Hugs, I'm awesome, Life, Sad

I am terribly clumsy, my memory is horrific, and I often wonder how I made it this far. At least I’m gorgeous.

I’ve been telling myself since I got back from the beach on the 5th of July to update my blog, because you know, interesting things happened!

Oh well.

2 thursdays ago, my mom and I went swimming with family friends a bit down the road at a different little river section. My brother was there too, but there were too many people for his swimming pleasure. I agree, but I also love to go swimming and know how to avoid people. It was great fun! And then we got out of the water… and my mom slipped on the rocks trying to get her shoes on down there instead of where our stuff was. That was scary and it hurt and my brother’s friend who has paramedic training (AND OWES ME A DESK STILL!!) was there and he checked it out.

We thought she’d be okay. At 5am I got up to go to the bathroom, only to have her call me to help her get dressed so she could go to the emerg. My brother had the truck since she couldn’t drop him off, and he had to come out and get us. Got to the hospital at 5:30 am. But in our tiny middle of no where town, x-ray does not open until 7:30 am. Turns out, broken wrist/arm.

THEN this past wednesday, it’s 11pm and I’m getting things ready for Margarita’s spay surgery the next morning. I’m at the pantry cupboard and I hear this weird sound and I’m like wtf was that?! I suddenly thought: “I’ve broken my toe!!” so I’m like, oh shit! Calling for the one armed bandit, and I think I see a bone sticking out. Mom comes and thinks she sees the same thing. I send her to my room for my purse for my health card, and end up laying down on the very dirty kitchen floor because I feel super hot and dizzy.

So my brother is called out AGAIN to take us all to emerg. We get there and I show the nurse my foot. There is nothing there. I take a look. There isn’t! And IF the bone WAS sticking out, WHY AM I NOT BLEEDING?! The doctor comes in and basically, yes, I’m just stupid. My toes are fine. He tapes them anyways. I say I thought I’d broken them because I have been smashing those toes against things all summer. And my opposite leg has bruises all up and down the calf.

Seriously. It’s like, in the summer I get MORE clumsy then normal. My new friend says it is something you pick up on quickly once you meet me. But at least Margarita made it to her spay yesterday and she didn’t die on the table (always a small chance) and we are home and fine (well, I am). But I couldn’t remember if I took my medication last night. Either of the two. I need more of the happi pills anyways.  Sigh. I shouldn’t need to put X’s on a calendar to tell myself when I have taken my meds. I am only almost 24!! I should NOT have the memory of a 90 yr old.

As I said though, at least I’ve got my looks. That’s one thing I got going for me.

fooling her into thinking I'm not going to cut her nails.

Tags: brother dear, I love my mommy, I'm awesome, le bun-bun, Life, Youngin'

Rabbit Talk.

The other day, mother and I went into one of the nearby small cities to get things you just can’t get here. Our first stop before the mall was the pet store to get this one up here, some hay. And other things, because she’s spoiled (not horribly though). It was a hot Ontario day and we go into the mall for a couple hours. When finished, I open the back of the truck and this exchange occurred:

Me: It smells like hay in here.

Mom: So you’re saying it smells like a barn.

Me: No, I said it smells like hay, not a litterbox.

These are the things we talk about. Because I am a crazy bunny lady.

Mom, in my room to wake me up for Father’s Day events that were unplanned:

Oh there she is! She’s always just laying there, she never does anything.

Me: She does laze around a lot, yeah, she takes after her mom. Where is she?

Mom: Under the shelves.

Me: Sounds about right for this time of day, she has different locations. By the way, she does tons of things all the time, you’re just not around to witness them.

Bunny feats of fancy include: Flopping over onto her side, laying there looking cute, digging to China in her litterbox, eating hay, chewing on the damn cage bars, thumping, trying to chew on the shelves, being really noisy when I’m trying to watch my marathon of television for the day. See? She does tons.

Tags: I love my mommy, I'm awesome, le bun-bun, LOL!

In which I finally make a post and it’s about happiness

I’m grateful that I’ve been in Girl Guides since I was like, 6. Because it got me used to doing strange things and not thinking too hard about it. Like dressing in insane outfits just to amuse a bunch of other girls at campfires with the other Junior Leaders.

Because then I have no problem doing this in a busy city:

Girl!Mario and Noodle (from Gorillaz)

I’m the one on the right. In my head my costume was a lot better, especially the week I made it at Halloween and then never wore it. But I had fun the weekend in May that I wore this. I had a whole bunch of my old, close friends with me there, and I made new friends too.

And with my amazing friends and tons of confidence (the size of my ego is ridiculous), I can also do this:

We like to frolic in the forest

There are not many photos of me on this day that I like, but there are a couple, like this one. We’re going to do this again, and at that time I will not have been running around all day before hand and have time to do my hair nice and I will put the corset on LAST because those things are not made for bending so you can put on your platforms.

BFFS <3

We live in a small town. We weren’t born here, but we sure as cookies are yummy have lived here our entire lives, leaving and coming back, visiting, always finding time to see each other, one on one or in a group. But these pictures I’ve shown you? NOT something you would see except at Halloween (The one on the right is entirely handmade, btw).

So as we trekked out of our perfect place to take pictures, a woman leaving the area, stopped her car and had to take pictures of us. Especially that elaborate flaming outfit, LOL. I had put my t-shirt back on over the corset so most of my effect was lost and I looked normal.

But it was so much fun. I love these girls, and I love the ones that weren’t there. And I miss them.

As much as I am happy that when I am here at home I can see them whenever we have time or they are in town, I’ve decided to take off again. Which means I will miss them terribly when I’m gone again, and will be glad I have these memories, photographed and otherwise. I will add them to my other ones, and all our stories, laughing over how we should have postponed again because it had been raining that afternoon but stopped again just long enough for us to do this and how bad the mosquitoes were.

I’m not going back to Toronto. I don’t regret the six months I spent there, they were lovely, I learned a lot, made a couple new friends, and saw old ones. There were some not so lovely parts as well, like the museum telling me they weren’t going to hire anyone. And the art gallery that wanted someone who could drive.

I am however, going back to school. That’s right, returning to Ottawa, which I swore never to do over a year ago. But things have changed, most importantly I have changed. Finally! And whether that is due to getting out, away from the bad memories and into a new city, and then home again when everything is as I know it; or if it’s because of my lovely happi pills
well, it doesn’t matter which it is, I think it’s both.

Oh, and there is a boy who likes me and has for a while. Now that I am healing and feeling amazingly better then I have in a long time – I like him too. It makes me feel ridiculous and silly but I like having those feelings. Distance is a problem, but won’t be when I go back to Ottawa. I haven’t seen him for a year, so this will give me time to sort out these new-right-now feelings and keep figuring myself out. But it makes me so excited to think about, to daydream about the future and wantto go back again.

So, I pretty much feel amazing lately.

P.s. Check out my best friend’s blog (the one in the red dress) for more about our frolic in the woods at Raindrops on Roses

Tags: Best Friends, Change, Good on the inside, Helping myself, I'm awesome, Life, Overhaul, Youngin'

Why Yes, I Am Five Years Old

Last night after picking mom up as she returned from Switzerland:

Me: Did you go to Our Chalet?

Mom: No, I did not go to Your Chalet.

Lizard Breath: Your Chalet?

Me: No, not My Chalet! It’s just Our Chalet, the International Girl Guide House.

-x-

Today, while unhappy with my brother:

Me, to mom: He is so mean! He has been ever since you brought him home!

Mom: Well then, lucky you’re first born.

Me: And thanks for that, best day ever. >: ( Whatever, I’m specialer and prettier.

Mom: yes, you are prettier.

Me, to brother: I’m prettier then you are!

Him: No, you’re not.

Me: I am too!

Him, to mom: Did you hear what she said?

Mom: No.

Him: She said she’s prettier then me.

Mom: She is.

-x-

Later after dropping him off:

Me: Thank god, he would NOT stop talking!

Mom: You do that too, sometimes.

Me: I have interesting things to say.

Mom: He thinks he does too.

Tags: brother dear, I love my mommy

Public Indecency

Since I spend most of the time in the house not going anywhere all week, Fridays are fun days! Because mom has the day off from school and we go do errands and go places.

Last Friday was particularly interesting. Usually it is amusing because I am hilarious, but this had nothing to do with me.

We were at a store that is, similar to Wal-Mart, but much smaller (they have groceries, clothes, some toys, household things, cards, discount movies, that stuff). I wanted their bagels because they fit better in the toaster. This has nothing to do with anything. I like bagels.

As we were leaving, my brother was driving and I was investigating my purchases. My poor mother was looking out the passenger window.

“THERE IS AN OLD MAN PEEING BEHIND HIS TRUCK!!”

“What?! Oh my god!” (both of us)

“Yes!! I thought that’s what he was doing, but I didn’t see a puddle, but I just saw a stream!”

*Laughter* I quickly get on facebook on my phone, because of course everyone needs to know this.

Why is this so funny? Well, of course I’ve read about this kind of thing on the internet, which is funny, but funnier when it happens to someone near you. Not funny when it happens to you. My brother and I are very glad we were not looking that way.

I just can’t believe it actually happened. I mean, yes, this is a small town but the store HAS A BATHROOM! If you ask them, they will let you use it! Like, seriously? You have to do it in a public parking lot?

I suggested calling the police, mom said no, they wouldn’t get there in time. I said you could always call anyways, just like I did when I saw a man getting beat with a pylon by another man. But that was in Ottawa, cities can be even weirder then small towns.

Mom goes to Switzerland next Monday. No, I’m not going, staying with my brother at my grandparents house, with the bun-bun.

So, have a good week, internet!

Tags: brother dear, I love my mommy, Life, LOL!, Whisky Tango Foxtrot

Space: The Final Frontier

From earlier today:

I am up earlier then normal, I do a few things, and then around 11 I turned on mom’s giant tv. There is not much on at 12.

Mom, getting ready to go to school: “Are you watching STAR TREK?!”

“There’s nothing on.” (plus it was the pon farr episode and I’d only heard a little about that before).

“I watched that in the sixties when nothing was on! And I didn’t like it. We have over 50o channels!!”

“Yeah, but there’s still nothing on, and this is the best thing.”

“I don’t know if he (referring to Shatner) was better looking back then, or like now.”

“Yeah, he’s good looking back then. In the new movie, the actors playing Kirk and Spock are really hot. I liked the movie.”

And then I went back to watching it and mom got ready. It was neat, I have seen more episodes with Picard then Kirk (I have seen one or two of the old movies though). Except I fell asleep. Cause I have a bit of a cold and it’s making me tired today. So I missed the end. I heard some of it though, and it was pretty good, very crafty solution.

The moral of this story? Sci-fi is always good, no matter the decade. And I’m cooler then my mom because I like it and she doesn’t. Same with my brother.

PS? They are driving me bloody crazy with their lack of sci-fi love!

Tags: I love my mommy, I love sci-fi, I'm awesome, Youngin'

I can’t go to f’ing Switzerland!

Aaaaahhhhh! D:

My mom is currently going to college for Culinary. That is awesome. She loves it like I love history. She and about 20 people from her class and probably a chef or two are going to Switzerland in April/May to tour around. Cool beans right, bring me and all your other friends back some chocolate.

And then Sunday night, I was getting my dinner plate in the kitchen (WHY does she always spring things on me during dinner?!), and she goes, “Do you know where your passport is, even though it’s expired?”

“No. Why?” Meaning, how the hell should I know, I only used it once, when I went to Cuba for that mission trip and I was 13! Yes, I know EXACTLY where something is that I used 10 years ago. (Omg shit, that was 10 years ago?!)

“Well, I was thinking you could come to Switzerland with me.”

“Uh, okay. Why do you suddenly want me to go?”

“I don’t think your brother would want to go.” She never actually told me why she thought of this. I guess I am just that awesome.

“Well, that’s a lot of money, so I guess it’s up to you.”

It is A LOT to someone like me who has been chronically broke since Dec 2008. I really would like money to pay for my cell phone bill and credit card I can no longer use. And I want a new apartment in Toronto so I can sleep in my nice big bed and stop having these crazy ass dreams that I only have when I am here, it’s getting very annoying. And I would also like an xbox live gold account and points to buy games with, while we are at it.

Yesterday mom had to take a thing into the post office. I noticed when we got home, there was a passport application in her hands. Hm. I ignored it. Still not sure, right? Switzerland has never been on my mental list of places I would like to go. Greece, yes, England, yes, Italy, yes, France, why not, Spain, eh, Germany, also eh, Sweden, sure, I can do family history research there.

I mentioned that to a friend last night and she was like, I was the same with India, but since it’s for work training, why not? When would I have another opprotunity like this? Point taken. I then told her that I required pictures of architecture and post cards for my collection. And she said she wants post cards for her collection as well. So more liking the idea that I’m going I suppose…

And then I tried going to sleep.

I CAN’T GO TO FUCKING SWITZERLAND, HOW AM I GOING TO PLUG IN MY DS?!

Yep. My major concern was my video games. Still is. 2 weeks without my new Xbox or my ps2 even though I haven’t played it lately, I need to play games on it. And what about my computer? I HAVE to have access to one so I can get email updates about my rabbit.

Oh yeah, her too, I can’t go cause of that either I decided. My brother has taken care of her before just fine, but that was always here in this house, not where he’s living now. A few weeks ago I got out an old notebook and wrote down all the important information about her. Food she eats and likes, how much she gets, vet name, number and address (3 hours away in the city!!). But I’ve been doing this for a year now! I know how to do it right. Sure it’s only been a year, but it was a year of learning and now I know. Brother doesn’t know everything, omg, what if something bad happens and I’m not there to save her? What if she – for no reason – has heart failure, and I’m not there as she’s in pain and dying, I can’t tell her I love her one last time? Awww, now I made myself sadder then I was last night (she’ll be totally fine I’m more sure of).

So. I don’t know. I don’t know what mom will decide, I don’t know if I will agree with it. I guess it would make for interesting blog posts though, right? People like to live vicariously through other’s vacations. I do sometimes.

Oh boy.

hahaha, way to go me

So my goal of updating this thing hasn’t really been that successful, huh? It was, yes. And then I was doing other writing, and thinking about other writing, and I haven’t really… had a good topic for here. I will keep thinking on this.

Also I have been watching way too much tv because my glorious xbox is streaming my downloads whooo! I love that it does this. Oh, and like, playing it. And other things. Last night I dreamed I was playing a video game and it was awesome, but I mean, not that different from my actual life Oh well.

Man, I am really enjoying The Vampire Diaries. I feel like i shouldn’t – but I don’t feel as bad as my secret obsessive week of watching Pretty Little Liars. That show is SO BAD AND AWESOME. I gotta start watching season two. So much dramz!

Anyways, yes, I love this. And I was watching Rizzoli and Isles too, I have 2 of the books featuring them and the show was great. I gotta have my crime shows too. Except Angie Harmon’s seriously rough cigarette voice for a character that doesn’t smoke. And her mom has it too. Her other family members on the show don’t have it, so it’s not like, a New York accent thing. I have no idea.

So yes, I haven’t written, here, but I am writing some things, sometimes, when I’m not watching tv. I’m totally watching while writing this, who am I kidding. I have one more episode of VD though (hahahah, VD) so! I will be back. I’m working on it, getting better at my writing. not that this needs to be pro, but it should at least make sense, right?

Otherwise, doing great!